| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2005|11:06 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
so marriane inspired me to do an early christmas special in my live journal today. i just really fraggen love christmas. and mostly im really excited. it may seem far away for some..but im pretty sure that september seemed like two days ago..so it will be here any minute now. also..my store's had its chritmas ishnat all over the place already, spreading the christmas joy (and madness and mayhem) to one and all. oh! and the christmas carols started on monday?! is that too soon? im not sure.. also..one more bone to pick... since when is christmas pink? my whole store is pink and purple with christmas decor's? and butterflies? i dont know.. oh pier one.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!
AND TO ALL A GROODNIGHT!!!
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|09:54 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | so much better. | ] |
so wow...when i look back and read all my entrys from approximetely all of last year..ughh. i pretty much felt like shit for a whole lot of time there..and for what? but i still dont regret anything. everything happens for a reason and the reason is that now i found a boy who treats me like gold and who i can finally do the same. i appreciate him more than i have anyone in my life and im so much happier than i ever thought i could be. i had kind of given up on ever having anything serious with anyone again, but here i am.. completely inlove with a boy who although im not so sure i deserve, i know is actually there for me. that means more to me than anything. He means more to me than anything.
but yea..i just wanted to try and explain a little bit of what im feeling right now that its finally not i hate every boy. (:
thank-you beb.
b squared. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2005|09:27 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
and six more days left of summer. once again..it went by way too fast. i worked way too much..but am really not sure where on earth all of my money went?? didnt hang out near enough with people that i should have..or people at all..pretty much a big social reject this summer.
i am also currently celebrating our four day aniversery all alone. he's in cornwall..bloody hockey. i dont want to be selfish about this...but after three years of should have been i finally decide to do this and now you might leave? i will be happy for him though..but i dont know how im going to deal with maybe weekends and holidays..? cornwalls a really bloody good team though..so its gonna be really hard to make...and ive never seen him play so i dont know how good he is? kay..too much rambling..im just really anxious.
its gonna be rainy all day today..which isnt helping my mood too much...supposed to be going to a bbqish dealiyo? im pretty sure thats not happening
op..off to locals...Mmmm french toast! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|09:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | much better. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | mr billy joel | ] |
For the longest time
If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time
Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's where you found me
When you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time
Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far
And it's more than I hoped for
Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time
I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself
Hold on to your heart
Now I know the man that you are
You're wonderful so far
And it's more than I hoped for
I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time
what the frag would we do without summer. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|04:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | bittersweer symphony | ] |
ohhh man. so not even two days left of school and just ask me if i still have two isu's undone? the answer is yes. yes yes yes! ughhhhh. and instead of doing them...id seem to rather sit on my floor and think about how stupid i am for not doing them?? so yea..thats awesome. and my math exam review? dont even get me started. i screwed up pretty badly. this past semester...just completely was not focused at all on school..too much other ishnat going on. and now im really paying for it. if i have to go to summer school..? actually..not an option..itd have to be night school next year. but then what a effing waste of my time for half a year.
in other news...i think might finnaly be doing it. slowly but surely..no longer my #1. there just might be hope for a smile on my face yet. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2005|05:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | well.. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | haddaway - what is love | ] |
well..i guess things are a bit better than my last entry..actually..just different. still not exactly sure what to do..but things seem to be getting way clearer. i keep rehersing what im going to say to you..even writting it down to help..but i just need to get some balls first. still scared of making the wrong decision..but im starting to see that waiting makes things worse. or..ugh..i donno. i just better get my shit together and try and do something this time around. im working on it.
went to the doctorials today...first time in just over 10 years.. dangereuse i thought..but im crazy like that. was sure they were gonna yell at me and tell my i have some uncurable disease that could have been prevented if i had come to the doctors sometime after the age of seven. dont think id be too upset to be quite honest..maybe i should get a second opinion? seems like im la normale. except for im an inch shorter than what i was supposed to be when my mom met this new doctor last year? so thats neat.
ps. and i had to pee in a cup.
pps. i caught my first ball in the world series today which resulted in the third out for the other team. *points with both hands at scott* (:
i thought id brag a little bit because im just so good at baseball. just call me babe. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2005|04:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | too much. | ] |
i honestly dont know what to do anymore..and it seems like no matter i do do..either decision turns out to be the wrong one. i think i just have to pretty much do nothing..because everytime i try and explain myself..i dont get things out the way they should be and it seems to just screw things up even more. i just dont want you cooling off thinking the things i know that youre thinking right now. ive felt sick to my stomach for the past two days and think that i am going to have to give up on making things better.
and i hate people. you all love to hear about everyone else's problems and talk about them like you know fucking everything. when if you were in that position that you seem to know so much about..you would have done no fucking better. we're all fucking hyporcites and im so sick of it.
i just hate that you felt like you had to go hear everyone else's opinion on something you probably should have figured out on your own. i would have expected more..i might have over estimated some things.
maybe you do deserve me (not exactly a prize..) |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2005|02:46 pm] |
so yep..alyssa fucked things up again. whats new pretty much eh? i honestly cant do this anymore. i wish i could just stop caring. but i think i wish you didnt care about me even more. you know i dont deserve you..specially after last night. i told you i would hurt you from the beggining and of course..i proved my point. i really wish i could think before i did things..think about what would happen and who i would hurt..but i clearly havent been good at doing that so far.you honestly have no idea how sorry i am..and how much i feel like shit right now. but i did try to warn you. im still not sure what the hell you saw in me that let me do what i did to you in the first place..but i guess you probably see now that you were wrong eh?
your one of the first people in my life that id rather hurt me than me hurt you. thats why this is so fucking hard. we could actually be perfect. well nothings perfect..but i know how happy you could make me..and the easy thing to do here would to just be with you, which is what i want more than anything..but if i cant treat you the way youd treat me..then thats not fair at all. and although this might just sound like an excuse..its not even close.
so im not sure whats going to happen now. i want to talk to you so badly..but you probably dont want the same thing right now..i dont know whether to keep trying for this..for something..or to just give up and let you go..which is probably the best thing for you. thats probably one of the hardest things id ever have to do..besides what ive been doing for the last 5 months.. you have no idea how much i care about you and how much it hurt me last night. i guess im leaving this one up to you..
probably making the same mistake twice. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2005|09:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | all of the above. | ] |
so..uhm..been awhile..
i cant even remember what my last entry was about..and too lazy to check..
the outdoor ed trip was fun...17 people spoon train? ahaha i love it. anyways..im too tired to make a good entry.
cept for that im so fed up with being stupid..and not caring enough about school. or actually..caring..just not doing a thing about it and then getting all frusterated. cept now even when i need to be trying the most..i actually just cant. like what did i do tonight? or last night? and how many ISUs and piles of effing homework do i have waiting to be done..most already due..ughhhhhhhh.
but star wars in on thursday(: woot woot. skipping the afternoon to gte in early! booyah! i might even get crazy and make a cape or something? maybe whip out and dust off the ol light sabber or something? who knows...im feeling kind of crazy! haha..
groodnight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|03:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | lucky man - verve | ] |
weather actually has such an effect on people. think to back..way back last week when it was all sunny and such. how much better moods were we all in all the time? and now..rainy..blaaaah. PLUS..that just means i cant jump on you know what, which i actually think puts me in a worse mood. i just wanna walk somewhere. my house is the worlds most boring place ever. well..i think im going to go find something to do with my life. aurevoir. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2005|01:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained. and hungry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ... | ] |
doodoodoo
so im in anthro at the moment. should be working on mon projet..but wasting time seems to be what i do i best. oh man. speaking of report cards..got that bad boy today..thats always fun. i REALLY just need to start working. really really really. just do some homework or something..sounds so crazy it just might work..
ugh..im soooo tired today..and everyday. sleep is another thing i think i need to start fitting into my schedual. its killlling me. softly.
i hate people. i really do. well...thats not true..i just hate how we're all such hypocrites all the friggen time. its something im working on. cause ive realized how much i hate in other people and i know i do it too. i hate how people would rather talk behind their friends or even their enemies backs to what? make themselves feel better? than talk to the person themselves and maybe work it out? do we like having things to complain about? apparently..
im just not a fan of human nature.
im also just in a bad mood at the moment..taking it out on everyone else seems to be the in thing to do...so there i went. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2005|10:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  unsure. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | save a horse ride a cowboy. | ] |
so this weekend was pretty grood. syracuse avec lindz was plently of laughs. we even rode the carosel! bahaha. and billadam? oh dear. didnt get any shoes though...slight disappointment..or a dress for grad. the sole two purposes for going down thurr. cept i dont even know if im even going to need one? but thats a whole other story. still happy. oh and could i have a job at both abercrombie and fitch AND hollister right now if i didnt live in mother effing ottawa!??!! ughhh! i cant believe it. i wish i could walk into store in this sad little town and just get offered jobs? whats the deal.
anyways..
so now he decides to be nice to me. and acknoledge my existence a little bit..oh man.
and youre pretty much perfect..cept i really dont know if i can do this..
and that ones a completely different person who is only about number one.
and im actually never going to make a right decision. ever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|06:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | new episode | ] |
so jamie. First of all..i sat my ass at greenboro for three hours before that mother effin show all by my lonesome. secondly..i had ZERO idea that you were there by yourself..you failed to mention that ness cause im pretty sure i would have went and got you. thirdly..you were DEFINITELY supposed to be leaving with mariful so frag you. ANNNND..i didnt know my hugs were lousy. i guess the truth comes out eh..
on another note!! alyssa is now equpped to drive the roads of the city and beyond. yesturday..at precicely 8:50am to 9:10am alyssa christine fowler attempted and PASSED her g2 road test. BIATCHHHHHH mother effer! bwahahaha. ottawa watch the frag out.
oh wait..natzi parents equals no vehical. but still..
alyssa did all that with out no g1.. just ask me where that is? in my purse...with the rest of my ENTIRE LIFE in someone elses hands!! ughhh. i thought there was hope of getting it back too..i was so optimistic. and now i want to die. like everything i held dear was pretty much in that purse. including 75 effin bucks. oh oh! and my house keys..alongside my address...which means someone is probably robbing me as we speak...
oh.and ive just been interupted my the motherload to tell me that my twisted beloved bottle of coca cola from mehico..is now smashed in tiny pieces all over my room..pop&glass errwhere. this is awesome. lifes' bloody awesome right now. minus the fact that i want to go play in oncoming traffic pretty much.
but i better be off. aurevoir. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2005|06:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | better | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | just to see you smile - mr.mcgraw | ] |
wow..been longer than i thought..time goes eh? so lets see...alyssa's life..
i cant think back to far so i guess ill go with my day oh birth..friday..went out with the ladies..didnt drink near enough so that was kind of a bust. there were some definite good times...but overall..probably not my favourite night. and probably i still want to kill you and her.
for the life of me cant even remember what i did saturday night..my actual birthjour...
OHH! soho salad with scotty and jameson! haha..then good ol outback and flight of the phenoix. twas alright. even though going home at 11:30 on her bday is everygirls dream..
then this weekend was actually a good time. finally! i didnt even really do that much...just got to hang out with some people that i havent in way too long. dinner was le cute..gotta love the cheek. tremblant was also amazing! a little bit wet..but good none the less. and ive been really missing a good old house party for quite some time so matts was a relief. even though now i things things are finally over.
as akward as it is and is going to be to try and just be friends..i think thats been our problem the whole time..we kind of skipped that stage which was definitely not a good idea. either way..i need to stop wanting what i cant have and just realizing what i already have is probably much better...just as effing confusing though..
oh man i dont know what to do..i never know what to do. he's actually exactly what i want. i dont think ive ever gotten along with someone and meshed so well with someone in my entire life. so having a relationship with him should be perfect...
the only thing is that anyone else that ive ever had anything even close to this with has been a friend. just a really good friend and so im not sure if we could keep that going into something more. and as corny and stupid 90's tv show as this sounds..i actually dont know if i want to risk that and us ending up never being able to be the same.
youre just someone that i want in my life. you have no idea how actually amazing i think you are and how much you make me laugh. more than anyone in the world. i could be in the worst mood of my life and give you an hour on the phone and ill be crying from laughing so hard. you always call back when you say you will and if you dont..there will be a text message on my phone the next morning when i wake up. to be honest..i really dont know what i would have done without you for the past few months. you really dont know at all how much you've helped me..even if you werent trying..and im soooo lucky just to have had that for this long.
oh man..im getting all mushy eh..sorry about that. but i really just want you to know how much you do mean to me and i just wanted to thank-you. so if you never read this..one drunken day i'll let you know(:
HOLY CRAPPP how the eff didnt i mention the fact the the ONE and ONLY TRAMPPPP is back and in le action!! what was i thinking!?!?!? set it up myself and everything..ahah minus the fact that i actually sat on my ass while scott and my dad did it...but i was up and adam the second the last string was tied..bouncing like a friggen maniac!! ahaha im soo happy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|11:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | egh. | ] |
alrighty then...so rest of the long weekend? pretty brrroring for the most part. cept a certain strip club easter sunday?? bahaha. it kills me.
this week really flew right on by..had my first in car..oh la lurrr. i didnt crash or kill ANYTHING guys! how proud of me are you right now? not at all...alright.
went out with the ol famdam and scotty to montana's...where dreams come true. fajitas make my world go round. scotts probably not even home yet..ahaha.
i dont even know what it is im a doing this weekend..should have had that one planned a long time ago..but 17 is such a loser age to turn?? sweet 16..the big ONE EIGHT...who the eff cares about 17. but still..im gonna milk it for all its worth. cept i have no idea what i want...at all.
alyssa's birthday present list:
(tick off the one you'll be buying me) so it wont be boughtened twice poeple.
- a pony (preferably pink or something..)
- a car would be nice. your choice.
thats pretty much it..
but some pez dispensers would be nice. (:
ahaha..i will be getting nothing for my birthday. too high standards maybe?
goodnight. bitches and hoes. |
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| heeey! same time same clubbbb! |
[Mar. 25th, 2005|03:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | 3hours of sleep.. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Mr jones. | ] |
woahhh. so last night was probably the most sketchiest of my lifetime. i really wish i could just tell my parents what i was really doing all the time...would probably relieve quite a bit of stress in all of our lives. but i think everythings alright now..im not aloud sleeping out ever again apparently..but i cant really argue with their reasoning too much because what theyre accusing me of is EXACTLY to a tee what im doing. but im still in denial.
anywho..last night was definitely a good time. i might have spent about 20 minutes actually in the bar but hey..haha. it was a good damn 20 minutes!
so things with the 'other girl' are i think alright..better anyways. too bad he still didnt even call me after spending your last like 2hours in town with her..ugh. im not supposed to care. im not supposed to care.
ANYwho. am probably doing butt kiss for the next few days cause the cousins are hurr..but i should probably take a few days off anyways..
later people. *waves* |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2005|07:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  better. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | cbk-talkischeap | ] |
Mmkay so today started off not so great. i had butterflies all day. i wrote a letter to him..and i go to his house. we sit for like 2 hours kind of talking but not really. he asked me what i wanted to talk about but the whole point of writting it down in a letter is because i have a really hard time getting things out the way i mean them with you. but yea..so after a bagillion minutes sitting there..i think we may have finally worked things out. were not together...but were not not together...uhmm..lol i think well just see what happens. i obviously still want to be together..but i can wait. or im just going to have to make myself wait. either way..anything is better than the last week..so yea. anywho..
enough about that boy already eh..lol you people must hate me
but also..i got a letter of concern for ughhh math...and so now all of a sudden my parents decided they might actually care about me and school...or at least theyre going to try and pretend. so apparently im not aloud out till my marks are up..uhm okay..too bad thats the stupidest thing ive ever heard of probably..but i really do need to do my homework...for me..not you. mlah! that is what i say errr bloody day and it never ever happens..so i wont be disapointed if i keep my goals at a minimum.
*waves* |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2005|06:42 pm] |
alright..so its sunday now. i had a whole week to see you and figure out whatever is going on with us..and of course..i didnt. as much as i want to say i hate you and you obviously do not give two shits about me or us..i honestly just cant give up. i could not give you a reason why..but theres just something about you. i actually miss you soo much and its only been a week since weve gotten to spend actual time together. i wanted this to work so badly that i think now i screwed things up because of it. i really dont think i pushed too hard..but i dont think i would have pushed at all if you werent so dead set on us not going to be able to work..(your excuse..) these kind of things dont just work..you need to put effort into them. so i have a hard time believing that one. like you said..it would be hard..and holy shit do i know that. but this past week has been ten times harder. even if we could just go back to the way we were..i just want something..anything.
it makes me kind of sad that im willing to settle for that..for just something..im not that kind of person. i dont just give up or give in like this..so theres obviously something about you. you said it yourself you treat me like shit..and so you think i deserve better. but if i didnt think that there was something more to you..dont you think i would have walked away a long time ago. i know youre not going to treat me like gold..but i definitely dont think that i deserve better..and youre what i want. and as hard as its going to be..i want to work at it..because i want us to work..all i want to know is if theres a chance you might want the same. and even that one little chance is all i want..
now all i need to do is say this to your face.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2005|03:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | about to fall asleep. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | amazed - blue rodeo | ] |
alright..so tremblant? ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!! i dont think i would have gotten through the march break without it. a nice little amount of ish went down..mondays going to be fun... oh dear. i wish i was still up there..was SOOO excited the whole way home to talk to you and maybe see you.( i know thats a stretch..) we REALLY need to figure this shittaki out. hopefully nothing that happened is going to screw anything up. as of now i regret nothing but need to talk to you to figure out if theres a reason i should..
i watched the notebook this morning again..cried like a little girl once again. probably one of my definite favourite movies though.
i dunt wanna go to work. but im definitely in the minus on the money thermometer.
well..im off *waves* |
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